“Do we get free refill on whie ziffadel?”

Let’s all get down with the dumbass everyone! Tonight at work people must have put some rocks on their cans and smoked before they walked in to eat. The quote I chose to use for the title of the post was an actual question from a guest I had tonight. He and his girlfriend came in to eat, got a sweet tea, a glass of Beringass (beringer) a BBQ Chicken and Ribs platter, a Blackened Chicken Pasta, and an appetizer of Queso, Guac, dip and chips. “This cheese just aint right”. Comp. “Do we get free refill on whie ziffadel?” Not white zinfandel, whie ziffadel. Those were dumbass set number 1.

#2. “Why are all of these tables open? Are they reserved or something?” Now to understand this, you must know that the venue of the restaurant that I personally serve in is OPEN SEATING. First come, first served. Find a seat, take a seat. Booths all around.

“Are they reserved or something?” the gentlehick asked. “No sir, the tables back here are all first come first serve.”

“Does that mean we can just sit anywhere?”

“Yes sir, they are first come, first serve.” I respond, wondering why he didn’t get it the first time.

Yet the gentlehick kept on. “We can sit anywhere?”

“Yes, sir, these tables are all first come, first serve.” At this point, I’m starting to lose my patience, I have two tables to greet, and food to run.

“Well I have a party of 3, and we want to sit down. Can we sit anywhere back here?”

“Yes, sir, these tables are all first come, first serve.” I start to walk away, hoping that I could escape without anything else being said….”Can you hold a table for me while I go and get my family?” There went the escape.

“No sir, these tables are all first come, first serve.” I try again to walk away, only to feel a hand on my arm. “Why can’t you hold a table for me?”

“Because these tables are all FIRST COME, FIRST SERVE.” The hick-man just kind of looked at me. “I just want to know if you can hold this table for me.”

I’m finally at the end of my rope. “Sir, I cannot hold a table for you, because that would be unfair to the guests who understand that they can just sit anywhere. Holding a table defeats the purpose of FIRST COME, FIRST SERVE!” I walk off, leaving the moron bewildered and staring at the table.

The table I escaped the hick to greet was yet another hick. “Hey guys, welcome to __________, how are ya’ll doing tonight?” It’s not a 4 star restaurant by any means, and I’m a country boy myself. Not quite at hick level, but not snotty assed prep either. (no offense to those of you who ARE snotty assed preps.)

“We’re doin’ fine main, we done ate up in that there front room, and we wanta eat a dessert.” Upon hearing this, I grab the menu conveniently placed on his table, and open it to the dessert page. As I’m doing this, “Do yall have desserts here?”

“Yes sir. We have a fantastic Bananas Foster Pie, and great New York Cheesecake”

“So do you have desserts here?” I was confused. Did I not just offer two of them to the new hick in my life? I grab the menu and show it to him. “Here’s our dessert menu sir, if you and your wife would like to have a look.”

“So you do have desserts here. Well, what are they?” Once again, I start plotting escape, and silently cursing the other two cocktails for sticking me with this table in the first place. ‘Next shift, we take sections, and not take turns’ I think to myself.

“Yes sir, here is our dessert menu.” I can’t tell if this moron is even LOOKING at the menu becuase he says to me, “So where is yalls dessert menu?” At this point, im near to smacking him across the face with the dessert page of our menu, but I knew that I’d lose my job for that one. Instead, I just show him one more time where the desserts are listed and try again to walk off.

“Yall got banana splits here?” Can these people not even look at pictures? “No sir, but we have a great bananas foster pie.” I offer again. “What’s that?” Progress. It takes me about 10 miunutes to explain what the pie consists of, because the moron just wont get it.

On the plus side….not nary a one of these hicks tonight ordered a cup of coffee from me. I might have just walked out.