First question out of this nappy headed bitches mouth. “Does the coke taste like coke, cuz the last time we were here the coke ain’t taste like coke.” Let me first say that not only is the bitch a ghetto bitch, she has one of those voices that is just so shrill it makes you want to put a 45 in your mouth and pull the trigger. I didn’t know how to answer without pissing her off, so I just answered, “It’s coke” and got the cokes for them.
“I wanna get extra meat instead of the onions and peppers on my sammich” They both ordered philly sandwiches. I replied “It’ll be 4.99 for more meat on your philly, veggies or not” “Why I cain subtitute it fo da onions an peppas” (had to write it exactly as i heard it). “Because meat is expensive, and onions and bell peppers arent”. He still wanted the meat. then to the nappy headed bitch. “I only want lite peppas and onions and mushrooms. Not a lot, but lite.” Anytime someone says they want light veggies on a sandwich, I automatically put said veggies on the side so they can have what they want. Same with this ‘sammich’. I put their order in, and proceed to do nothing. It was a dead night, and they were my only table in 2 hours.
15 minutes later, their food comes. I’m in the kitchen waiting when it comes up, so it’s nice and fresh. His, a philly steak with double meat and cheese on the hoagie, hers a single with 3 ramekins of toppings. I take their plates to the table. He was happy with his, but her…”What the hell is this?” “It’s your philly” “I wanted light peppas onons and musrooms” “I put them on the side for you ma’am, that way we didn’t put too many”
“Ya’ll pose ta do all dat” “You said lite, there’s about a half of each topping”
“I don’ wanna put them on, that take too much work! Take em back and put em on for me” I rolled my eyes at the bitch, grabbed her food, and took it to the hallway to the kitchen. I proceed to lick my fingers, and use said fingers to grab the toppings and throw them on her sandwich. Key here is to not piss me off. I don’t normally do such things, but for fucks sake, how fucking lazy can you be?!
I take her newly prepared sandwich back to the table, and as I walk off, I start to hear that mind numbing voice again. “Hey you!”
“I need su rainch” Fine bitch. I go and charge them both for a side of ranch, retrieve, and return. She had her fork flailing when I got back. He grabbed his ranch before I put it down, and dumped it on his sandwich.
I retreat, thinking I can go back to playing on my new Treo, reading my favorite blogs, Musings of a Highly Trained Monkey and March of the Platypi when I hear that voice again. At this point, I want to flay this bitch, drape her skin over my body, dance around a fire chanting to Xipitotec, and watch as she writhes in agony as I douse her in hydrochloric acid and toss her into a sewage line.
“Why my onions ain cut up like his?” I was confused. His sandwich was double meat and cheese only. “What do you mean?” I looked at her sandwich, and her onions were the normal rings that we sautee and throw on the philly sandwiches. “Ya’ll pose to cut my onions up like his are.” I look at his sandwich, drenched in ranch dressing, and again think to myself, his sandwich is double meat and cheese only. “His onions are chopped up”.
“Ma’am, there’s nary an onion on his sandwich, much less any other vegetable.”
“Is you callin me a liar?” Yes, honey, yes I am.
“I just think you must be mistaken. That white stuff there, that’s not onions, that’s ranch melding to the meat on his sandwich.” Bitch stuck her finger in her man or pimp or whatever he was, food, and realized she was a fucktard. I walked off, knowing I wouldn’t get a tip and not caring.
I take the check, and see that she’s eaten 3/4 of the sandwich. “Would you like a to-go box for that?”
“I ain’ like it at all, none of it.” Funny, you ate most of it, and all your fries and most of his.
“I’m sorry”. Not gonna offer to take it off, stupid bitch, and if you ask, i’ll have you tossed out.
They pay, and start playing games. I go to bus the table, and immediately notice two things. 1. My salt and pepper are missing. Stupid thieving bitch. 2. All of her onions, peppers and mushrooms, are sitting on the table, chewed up. Not on a napkin, not on a plate, not in her glass (which woulda been gross, but not as gross as this), just on the table. It’s like she picked off the veggies, chewed them up, and spit them on the table. I about hurled. The ones she didn’t chew up first were scattered across the table. I had to get a pair of gloves, and a new towel just to clean it up.
About an hour later, nappy headed bitch comes up to me while I’m reading the aforementioned blogs and tells me, “One of ya’ll machines done stole our money”. “I guess that makes two thieves in one night, huh” I replied, and walked off. Me 1, Nappy headed bitch ZERO.
A lot of you must be wondering how I get away with saying things liek this to my customers (guests tip, customers pay, bitch and leave). True, some of the things I say could get me fired, but I learned long ago that my job isn’t going to fire me for little shit like that, they’d have done it already. They only fire the drug dealers/addicts, thieves, and people who come in late every day. I’m early every day, haven’t done anythin but pain pills (which are prescribed monthly just so you medical readers don’t think i’m a total pillhead, and I’ll be going to a detox clinic after dental surgery next month) I don’t come to work drunk, I know my job and do it better than anyone else, and the management and our corporate drone actually value my opinion. I’m helping to change the CORPORATE training program, something I’ve never been involved in before. Guess it helps to be on better terms with our training director and regional VP than the managers are……..