Rules for Eating Out, Part 4: Ribeye’s personal Rules

It’s 6:30 in the morning here, and I can’t sleep. I have to be up at 10 to get ready for the boyfriends birthday lunch with his family, and have to work at 5:30 this afternoon. What better time to put up another in the Rules series? This time it’s my Personal rules of service, and they are in no certain order.

1. There is to be no touching of the Ribeye in any way, shape, form, or fashion that is not initiated by the Ribeye himself. Translation: If you’re not a regular guest that I’ve known for a while, or a good friend or family member, then keep your grubby paws off of my person. This includes but is not limited to: Walking up to me and tapping my shoulder as I walk to the bathroom to take a shit, asking me “Do you work here?”. I’m sure the name tag and apron mean nothing to you at this point, and I have to shit. Under no circumstance should you ever come up and tap the Ribeye while he is with a table, for the Ribeye will snap your head off and you’ll run away either crying or crying for a manager. If you come up to me while I’m at a table, and disturb me to ask me where your food is, I’m going to say a couple of things. First, “Touch me again and you’ll be on the ground,” Second, “It’s cooking, I’ll be with you in a minute.”

2. Do not yell, whistle, or clear your throat at me as soon as you sit down, especially if I am with another table. I see you sitting there, and if you try to rush me, I’m going to be royally pissed and your service will suck with no care for a tip. When you yell at me, I take it as a sign of aggression, and I have you removed from the premesis. If you choose to whistle at me, I’m going to ignore you. When you clear your throat at me in an attempt to get my attention, I’m going to come to your table and offer you a glass of water and a cough drop. Then I’ll make you wait even longer for your food/service.

3. Never ever ever pull out the line “The Customer is Always Right”. When you bring out this phrase, we know instantly that you’re trying to get something free. It’s also almost never accurate. It’s generally used by Entitlement Junkies and Ghetto Trash that feel they deserve things regular humans don’t. If you pull out “the customer is always right” not only will we hold you in contempt, the management will not take you seriously, and the most you’ll get will be a free soda or tea. Management, owners, servers, and bartenders all hate you when you say that, and whoever invented such a lame phrase should be publicly hanged.

4. If you see me running to more than 4 tables at a time, that is not your cue to hold me at your table by saying “we’re ready”. If you fucking say you’re ready to order, then don’t sit there for 10 minutes debating the merits of chicken strips versus fried shrimp. When you say you’re ready, I am ready to take your fucking order, and as such, you should give it to me. Wasting my time makes not only me upset, but it really pisses off the other guests. I will not make excuses for you. They know it’s your fault I didn’t get to them to get their next margarita. I tell it to them straight. “They told me they were ready to order, and they knew they weren’t.” When I tell other guests this, they hold you in such contempt that I’ve literally had to calm a few down, and had many tell me to spit in your food. Much as I would enjoy doing just that, I never will. I don’t work for a slimy hole in the wall diner, I’m actually semi-professional and will not stoop to assault with bodily fluid. I prefer verbal embarrassment.

5. If you snap your fingers at me, or say something to the effect of “Hey Waitress” you will not only be ignored by me, but by every other server in the building. We are all adults people, my place of business doesn’t even serve teenagers unless accompanied by an adult. There needs to be some form of respect, and snapping your fingers at me or calling me “Waitress” when I’m quite clearly not despite the embedded homosexuality is going to do nothing more than ensure your lack of service and/or cold food that takes an hour. I won’t even care if you don’t tip. You snap your fingers at me and you’re a lost cause. I’d sooner smoke a cigarette and blow the smoke in your face than bring you a drink.

6. Do not bitch and moan to the management in an attempt to have the automatic gratuity removed from your bill. Let me say it again. DO NOT BITCH AND MOAN TO THE MANAGEMENT IN AN ATTEMPT TO HAVE THE AUTOMATIC GRATUITY REMOVED FROM YOUR BILL! I give excellent service to all tables unless one of my personal rules is broken, and if there’s a party of eight or more, I’m assured a tip whether you’re on separate bills or not, or whether I give you good service or not. Don’t break the rules, and you’ll get great service. If you ask to see the manager about the gratuity on your bill, I’m going to inform you that it’s a company policy, and that the manager is not going to take it off. Then I’m going to get one of our professionally dressed NON MANAGERS to come to your table, and make you feel so guilty that you leave me extra. If you still bitch to have the gratuity taken off of your bill, and a real manager happens to be what I bring to you, they’re going to do one of two things. They’re going to tell you that you’re shit out of luck, or you’re going to get lucky. If you do get lucky and get the grat removed, the managers going to comp more than the gratuity off of your bill to compensate me for your stupidity, and you’re going to never be welcome in our building again and trust me, we point you out to our co-workers. Interestingly enough, in the year that I’ve been where I am, I’ve had only one table that wasn’t gheto black trash or snotty black trash demand a removal of the gratuity, and that was because they wanted to leave their own tip. I ended up getting 30% from that table. I hate to be this way, but white people are less inclined to bitch about something that’s clearly listed in the menu.

7. A restaurant where you sit down and eat, that is full service, and that has a full menu is not the fucking Burger King, it’s not always going to be Have it your way! Do not Dissect the menu in an attempt to get something that you had at the waffle house 4 years ago. It’s not going to work. When we have a table where EVERY GUEST in the party decides they’re going to change the entree’s they ordered to suit their wants, including getting pissed that we don’t have the side they want, and getting down to changing the type of cheese on the cheeseburger, noting the number of tomatoes, pickles, the size of the lettuce and number of red onion slices we put on the burger, there’s going to be problems and we’re going to have a manager ask you to leave. If you order a chicken pasta and change the sauce, change the garnishes, change the ingredients, we’re going to charge you more than the listed menu price just because you not only piss US off you really piss off the cooks. That in turn makes us have a bad night, because we didn’t stop you from ordering all the crazy shit for fear of losing our jobs, and the cooks take it out on us. That makes you worthless in our eyes, and makes us want to stomp on your heads with spike studded shoes.

That’s all for this edition of the rules, and just so that I have more material, I’m going to probably make 7 different posts, with each of these rules as the topic. Look forward to them in the next few weeks, the examples I give you in each post may not be the most recent, but I’ve had them, or I wouldn’t have made the rules in the first place.

If you ever have the good fortune to be served by me, you’ll understand that I’m a great server, and am well liked by my regular guests, but you’ll also see that I don’t tolerate disrespect anymore. You’d either love my service, like Jimmy-James and Mary in the commenters, or you’ll hate it like apparently her royal highness Springs1 would, there would be no in between. Just don’t order 15 sides of ranch for each portion of your meal and for the sake of the gods, do not whistle at me or touch me.



9 thoughts on “Rules for Eating Out, Part 4: Ribeye’s personal Rules

  1. I’m going to preface this post with this disclaimer: I think your blog is absolutlely fabulous and I tend to agree with 99% of what you post. You are humorous and a delight to read and I wouldn’t care to go back to serving and having to deal with what you do. BUT…

    I’m sorry, I have to disagree with most of the ways you claim you handle (or would handle) the given situations. I don’t disagree with your feelings regarding the situations as I can relate to being that irritated. It’s just highly ironic that you would talk about how “professional” you are in the midst of some of the things you said.

    Occassionally it seems you have your job a wee bit confused and lord it as a position of power, when it’s not. Your job is to serve others, not to try to hold power over others and prove you’re the stronger man. Of course, that in no way excuses people being rude to you but it happens (people being rude) in all cust serv positions. From several postings, it is clear you want to prove to the customer that you are the one ultimately in charge, not them.

    From a business perspective, the behaviors you mention in this post are no way to get ahead and succeed (namely, telling other tables that table ‘x’ is to blame for any delays, Why not just simply offer an apology and go on instead of trying to deflect anger towards other guests? It really seems quite childish) .

    I’ve never heard of a server having as many people thrown out or escorted out of a restaurant as you claim to have.

    Happy Birthday to your so and I hope the lunch goes well and is enjoyable! Wishing you lots of $$$$ this week 🙂

  2. Ok, about #7 – does it really piss off the servers when I ask for no cucumbers in my salad (I’m allergic), or no bun for my chicken sandwich/burger (can’t digest breads well)? I don’t try to change the items on the menu (the sauces, the type of cheese, etc). I have food allergies and certain things that I can’t digest, and servers seem to be more than accommodating for me on that.

    And no, I don’t mind paying extra if needed.

  3. We do understand when it’s an allergy issue, I’m talking about the people who change every little thing because they don’t want how it is in the menu, not because they can’t have how it is in the menu. Also, people with food allergies actually let us know what they are, people that just want the food changed will not mention an allergy until something is wrong, and then we usually know it’s not a real allergy. People who are truly concerned about having an allergic reaction, anaphalytic(sp) shock will make sure and let the server know when they’re ordering their food to ensure it’s prepared properly and there is no cross-contamination of any ingredients that could be potentially lethal.

  4. I like your blog.
    I dont get why the cooks would take it out on you though. I’m a cook, and I may get pissed off when a server comes in and tells me some fuck wants something that may have been a chicken salad before all their ridiculous demands, but I’d never get pissed off with the *server*. That’s terrible.

    If we’re stuck together and working together, we damn well better tolerate each other!

    I dont understand why a customer would say “there can be NO onions in my burger!!” .. I mean, is it sooo hard to pick them out you have to get a professional to do it?

  5. If a customer tells me they are allergic to a specific trigger, I’m going to go out of my way to ensure his/her food is allergen free. I’m also going to make sure the kitchen staff is aware that I have an allergic customer so there is no cross contamination.

    If a customer tells me they don’t like tomatoes, I’ll remove them from the salad before I drop it. If they’re allergic, I’ll make them a new salad, untouched by tomatoes.

    Having said that, don’t try to tell me that you don’t want tomatoes on your salad because you’re allergic, then ask me to bring you a ramekin of salsa with your entree!

  6. All I ever do is ask for no tomatoes on my burger. I can take them out of the salad myself, but I don’t like the nasty slimy things. Gross.

  7. Sadly, Jenna, the rules of normal customer service leave when you are a tipped employee. The rule at the end of the day is to get the biggest tips, however possible. The food server is really a position of power in that it is a middleman between the customer and the cook. An emissary or ambassador, if you will, and should be treated as such. Much like in any game of diplomacy, if you piss the diplomat off, you should fully expect that diplomat to get something wrong in your requests, orders or demands.

    If you are getting paid a constant state no matter how good or shitty the job you perform is, then fine offer apologies all day. But if table “x” really DID hold up table “y”s order and it is apparent that table “x” isn’t going to tip, table “y” should know that it is table “x”‘s fault and not the servers. Just offering a blanket apology may not make the customers understand that it isn’t your fault, and as such your tip from them may suffer. Couple that with the fact that you probably aren’t getting another tip table “x” and you’ll end up with a shitty hour busting your ass and barely breaking minimum wage.

    And from a business prospective, a server generally has no way up in a business anyway. Most people who are actually succeeding in businesses start in the middle and not at the bottom. There are exceptions, but they are rare.

    As for him throwing people out…I have been to that establishment and wouldn’t let half the trash IN to throw them out. Rude people deserve to be refused service. The end.

  8. THANK YOU THNK YOU THANK YOU for this. I have been serving for roughly ten years and I still get pissed when people think you are their public property once you get to their table. Noone…NOONE gets the right to touch me. It’s usually the Louis Vuitton toting botox bitches who are grabbing you with their pincers or the equally lovely dirty husbands who put their hands on the small of your back and think its okay.
    Table holds ups are the worst. On a Saturday night in a six table section, when you are in the weeds, the last thing you need is the table that says “we are ready to order” then has a table wide discussion about what they are getting. In my life that would be the opposite of ready.
    Sigh….love the blog…Ribeye…glad to know someone feels my pain…

  9. It’s amazing…but even I get people who are arguing about what they want, and what they are willing to pay, when I show up. AND I DELIVER PIZZA! What on earth makes you think you can change your order at the point that I’m at your door?

    The Customer is Always Right….yeah….sure. You would be shocked and amazed at the number of free orders we give out because of these people. Seriously, it’s pathetic. We had a bitch call us today, order 30 dollars worth of pizza. And gave us the wrong address and a disconnected phone number. Then calls us about fourt-five minutes later, bitching about no having her pizza (we were on an hour wait at that point anyway). We told her that the driver (me) had already been there, wasted his own gas, and no one answered the door. ‘Well, he dun went ta da wong place. I liffs in dat buidin crass tha stree. Ah wan chall ta remaks tos pissa an livr um ta ma’ (yes, she talked like that). She wanted them free, of course. Bitch. No tip, two trips out there, burning my $3.49/gallon gas. Milk is cheaper!

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