It’s 6:30 in the morning here, and I can’t sleep. I have to be up at 10 to get ready for the boyfriends birthday lunch with his family, and have to work at 5:30 this afternoon. What better time to put up another in the Rules series? This time it’s my Personal rules of service, and they are in no certain order.
1. There is to be no touching of the Ribeye in any way, shape, form, or fashion that is not initiated by the Ribeye himself. Translation: If you’re not a regular guest that I’ve known for a while, or a good friend or family member, then keep your grubby paws off of my person. This includes but is not limited to: Walking up to me and tapping my shoulder as I walk to the bathroom to take a shit, asking me “Do you work here?”. I’m sure the name tag and apron mean nothing to you at this point, and I have to shit. Under no circumstance should you ever come up and tap the Ribeye while he is with a table, for the Ribeye will snap your head off and you’ll run away either crying or crying for a manager. If you come up to me while I’m at a table, and disturb me to ask me where your food is, I’m going to say a couple of things. First, “Touch me again and you’ll be on the ground,” Second, “It’s cooking, I’ll be with you in a minute.”
2. Do not yell, whistle, or clear your throat at me as soon as you sit down, especially if I am with another table. I see you sitting there, and if you try to rush me, I’m going to be royally pissed and your service will suck with no care for a tip. When you yell at me, I take it as a sign of aggression, and I have you removed from the premesis. If you choose to whistle at me, I’m going to ignore you. When you clear your throat at me in an attempt to get my attention, I’m going to come to your table and offer you a glass of water and a cough drop. Then I’ll make you wait even longer for your food/service.
3. Never ever ever pull out the line “The Customer is Always Right”. When you bring out this phrase, we know instantly that you’re trying to get something free. It’s also almost never accurate. It’s generally used by Entitlement Junkies and Ghetto Trash that feel they deserve things regular humans don’t. If you pull out “the customer is always right” not only will we hold you in contempt, the management will not take you seriously, and the most you’ll get will be a free soda or tea. Management, owners, servers, and bartenders all hate you when you say that, and whoever invented such a lame phrase should be publicly hanged.
4. If you see me running to more than 4 tables at a time, that is not your cue to hold me at your table by saying “we’re ready”. If you fucking say you’re ready to order, then don’t sit there for 10 minutes debating the merits of chicken strips versus fried shrimp. When you say you’re ready, I am ready to take your fucking order, and as such, you should give it to me. Wasting my time makes not only me upset, but it really pisses off the other guests. I will not make excuses for you. They know it’s your fault I didn’t get to them to get their next margarita. I tell it to them straight. “They told me they were ready to order, and they knew they weren’t.” When I tell other guests this, they hold you in such contempt that I’ve literally had to calm a few down, and had many tell me to spit in your food. Much as I would enjoy doing just that, I never will. I don’t work for a slimy hole in the wall diner, I’m actually semi-professional and will not stoop to assault with bodily fluid. I prefer verbal embarrassment.
5. If you snap your fingers at me, or say something to the effect of “Hey Waitress” you will not only be ignored by me, but by every other server in the building. We are all adults people, my place of business doesn’t even serve teenagers unless accompanied by an adult. There needs to be some form of respect, and snapping your fingers at me or calling me “Waitress” when I’m quite clearly not despite the embedded homosexuality is going to do nothing more than ensure your lack of service and/or cold food that takes an hour. I won’t even care if you don’t tip. You snap your fingers at me and you’re a lost cause. I’d sooner smoke a cigarette and blow the smoke in your face than bring you a drink.
6. Do not bitch and moan to the management in an attempt to have the automatic gratuity removed from your bill. Let me say it again. DO NOT BITCH AND MOAN TO THE MANAGEMENT IN AN ATTEMPT TO HAVE THE AUTOMATIC GRATUITY REMOVED FROM YOUR BILL! I give excellent service to all tables unless one of my personal rules is broken, and if there’s a party of eight or more, I’m assured a tip whether you’re on separate bills or not, or whether I give you good service or not. Don’t break the rules, and you’ll get great service. If you ask to see the manager about the gratuity on your bill, I’m going to inform you that it’s a company policy, and that the manager is not going to take it off. Then I’m going to get one of our professionally dressed NON MANAGERS to come to your table, and make you feel so guilty that you leave me extra. If you still bitch to have the gratuity taken off of your bill, and a real manager happens to be what I bring to you, they’re going to do one of two things. They’re going to tell you that you’re shit out of luck, or you’re going to get lucky. If you do get lucky and get the grat removed, the managers going to comp more than the gratuity off of your bill to compensate me for your stupidity, and you’re going to never be welcome in our building again and trust me, we point you out to our co-workers. Interestingly enough, in the year that I’ve been where I am, I’ve had only one table that wasn’t gheto black trash or snotty black trash demand a removal of the gratuity, and that was because they wanted to leave their own tip. I ended up getting 30% from that table. I hate to be this way, but white people are less inclined to bitch about something that’s clearly listed in the menu.
7. A restaurant where you sit down and eat, that is full service, and that has a full menu is not the fucking Burger King, it’s not always going to be Have it your way! Do not Dissect the menu in an attempt to get something that you had at the waffle house 4 years ago. It’s not going to work. When we have a table where EVERY GUEST in the party decides they’re going to change the entree’s they ordered to suit their wants, including getting pissed that we don’t have the side they want, and getting down to changing the type of cheese on the cheeseburger, noting the number of tomatoes, pickles, the size of the lettuce and number of red onion slices we put on the burger, there’s going to be problems and we’re going to have a manager ask you to leave. If you order a chicken pasta and change the sauce, change the garnishes, change the ingredients, we’re going to charge you more than the listed menu price just because you not only piss US off you really piss off the cooks. That in turn makes us have a bad night, because we didn’t stop you from ordering all the crazy shit for fear of losing our jobs, and the cooks take it out on us. That makes you worthless in our eyes, and makes us want to stomp on your heads with spike studded shoes.
That’s all for this edition of the rules, and just so that I have more material, I’m going to probably make 7 different posts, with each of these rules as the topic. Look forward to them in the next few weeks, the examples I give you in each post may not be the most recent, but I’ve had them, or I wouldn’t have made the rules in the first place.
If you ever have the good fortune to be served by me, you’ll understand that I’m a great server, and am well liked by my regular guests, but you’ll also see that I don’t tolerate disrespect anymore. You’d either love my service, like Jimmy-James and Mary in the commenters, or you’ll hate it like apparently her royal highness Springs1 would, there would be no in between. Just don’t order 15 sides of ranch for each portion of your meal and for the sake of the gods, do not whistle at me or touch me.