And now, a poem

Ode to a Hick


Oh, Mullet Bastard
With your neck of Crimson
I want to see you dead.


I’ll shove a pencil in your eye,
and then cut off your head.


Your inbred mother is your sis
Pregnant and quite slow


Your Cousin is your Uncle’s Miss
Your Daddy is your Bro


Your Firstborn child’s a crackhead whore
who likes to blow her Father,


At ten years old she had your son
At twelve she had your daughter.

The above poem was inspired during my shift by a group of three redneck bastards that came in. The mother and father both had mullets from hell, and the 12 year old, 6 and a half month pregnant, makeup plastered, meth head looking daughter was well….all of the above. At least she didn’t have a mullet.

When they first sat down, I heard the mother comforting her daughter that “Daddy will be back soon, baby, don’t worry,” while spying a look of unease on the daughter, leading me to believe that daddy’s having a grandbaby baby in 2 and a half months. I went by the table and introduced myself like normal, and as I was talking, a peculiar smell hit my nose. Along with the smell, I noticed that Mommy’s eyes were black. Not on the face part, on the pupil part. You could see the whites of her eyes, and nothing else but blackness. Methed out? I believe so.

“We’ll take some Miller Laht, she’ll have some Dr. Peahpah.” Talk about a thick Southern accent…even thicker than my very thick Southern accent. Think of…the accents from Too Wong Foo or Brokeback Mountain…wait whats a good straight movie for you all to compare it to….hmm…Think of the accents on…Gunsmoke or something. These were worse. Anyway. I checked Mommy’s Id, and Mommy is named Candy…she’s 26 years old. She looked at least 40 if you want to know the truth, but that’s what meth does to people. I’ve seen it happen to too many friends.

“I’ll be right back with these. I’ll need to see his ID when he gets back to the table.” I say, referring to the husband. Throughout the meal, there’s nothing inherently wrong, cept for the attitudes and accents.

Toward the end of their dinner, I go by to offer dessert. The daughter, I’m gonna call her Tammy Faygo, asks me, “I wonna have my burfday here. How much does it cawst?” It’s so much harder to type with a southern drawl…maybe I just need practice. I answer her, “I can get you a party pack if you’d like, when’s your birthday?”

“It’s gonna bay nex’ month. I’m gon be a teenager, I’m turnin 13.” You have got to be shitting me. If your mother is 26, and you’re 12, that would have made her…14 when she had you. And that’s your real daddy, who would have been 19..he was 31. After all the math, and being totally shocked, I couldn’t help myself and asked, “So how far along are you?” She was getting big, and you can tell when it’s fat and when it’s a baby belly. Fat includes arms and legs and such, this was JUST the belly.

“26 wakes.” I don’t know if they noticed my mouth dropping or not. I just walked off at that point, because I was afraid I would say something mean about hicks. I did in fact say something mean about hicks, but I said it in the kitchen…..What kind of parents let their child get pregnant at 12? Oh wait, they were from Dickson, TN, maybe that explains it.

They left 2 bucks on a 50 dollar bill…after Candy the young mommy had to ask me what the word “Gratuity” meant….and what the word “Signature” meant. When I explained the gratuity word to her, she seemed kind of offended, almost as if she thought I was lording my knowledge over her. I wasn’t, I was just wondering how anyone could be so stupid.

It’s just made me wonder if most of today’s rednecks are methhead “Chesters” and “Chesterinas”. I really believe that the little girls future baby is also going to be her brother or sister….maybe it’s just me, or the way Daddy was looking at her, or the way she freaked out when it took him so long to get to the table, or the look of contentment when she returned to the table. Which also makes me wonder if Mommy and Daddy aren’t siblings, and that her real Daddy is also Grandaddy. Dammit, now my head hurts. I know someone whose uncle (her mothers brother) is the father of her child. She put her uncle (the father of her child) in jail, and her mother (her child’s Aunt and Grandmother at the same time) helped her get him back out the next day. He was in jail for beating his Niece and baby Momma up. Another one that’s too much for my head right now.

As long as they don’t come back out to eat….

I hate hicks.



15 thoughts on “And now, a poem

  1. That’s scary. Dont want to be fucking with methheads, they can get nasty.
    But, if she’s on meth and pregnant chances are she’ll lose it. Take that as good or bad..

  2. You see some of the scariest thing! When I lived in Memphis, I saw plenty of Redneck, inbred families come to our place and ask what a paninni was, or what is a cappuccino was. I feel sorry for that baby though. It doesn’t get to choose who its family is.

  3. Wow a pregnant 12 year old. Now that’s child abuse. Doesn’t matter who the daddy is. Hopefully Children’s services is involved in both children’s lives.

  4. A grave crime was committed against this child and it’s really not a fit subject for jokes. I doubt if these fine folks paid with a credit card, which would at least give you a name to report to the police, but you could at least not mock this little girl.

    Odds are very much in favor of it having been a much older man who raped her and he, whoever he is, is a manipulative shit who needs to spend a good long time in prison.

    There could be any number of reasons why this little girl was nervous when her daddy was away, up to and including the one you surmised, but again, not a fit subject for jokes.

    If you aren’t interested in reading non-fiction, you could try the novels of Anna Salter or Andrew Vachss for some insight.

    Most of the customers you describe completely deserve the calumny you heap on them, Ribeye, but this was evidence of a horrible crime.

  5. I’ve seen it, and it’s a sad sight for sure. Ten or so years ago, the statistics for unwed mothers was finally going in the right direction. Today, it’s becoming an epidemic again. It’s such a pity, and such a drain on the economy. Good thing the war on drugs is working, ain’t it?

  6. That is insane. I am pretty sure I was still sleeping with stuffed animals and playing with toys when I was 12. I damn sure wasn’t doing anything that would lead to pregnancy.

    I hope I never have a baby girl because her ass will be locked in her room until she is 35.

  7. She wouldn’t be the first pregnant twelve year old I’ve heard of, or seen, even.

    The first pregnant twelve year old I knew of? A girl in the seventh grade class, when I was in the sixth grade class. The next year, a girl in my class got pregnant. Both carried their babies to term. Both kept their babies. I think that’s the part that bothers me the most, is that they kept their babies, and didn’t give them up for adoption. They were just children themselves, what did they know?

    My daughter is thirteen. I can’t begin to imagine her as close to being responsible enough to handle being the parent of a newborn. Certainly the girls I knew who gor pregnant while we were in middle school and high school were not. I was barely able to handle parenting, and I had my only child when I was nineteen.

    I hate to see that. It’s depressing.

  8. We have our fair share of trailer trash here and I’m sure it’s just as bad but this is completely Jerry Springer and where we would ignorantly say “Only in America”.

    Keep up the great posts! And in response to your wonder at what jobs “Other” would include in your previous poll: I’m currently a programmer now for a finance firm but I used to work as a server in mediocre noodle bars when I was studying and continue to have close ties with others in the hospitality industry. In other words, I feel your pain.

  9. Ribeye – great post. Came over from BitchPHD.

    Carol…unfortunately, it’s only a crime if someone reports it. I had a friend get pregnant at 12 (the FOB was 19) and everyone in her family thought it was pretty normal. They got married (this WAS the early 70’s, after all) and she kept her baby, dropped out of school and had several more.

    As an OB nurse, the girls I remember most clearly are the very young ones. 12, 13, 14…they have no other goal in life than to be a mother and drop out of school. I had a 14 year old mother, with her 28 year old mother (who also delivered, but a week later) and the 40 year old grandmother. None of them thought anything was out of the ordinary.

    They have no sex education. Another 16 year old patient, doing honors trigonometry for goodness’ sake, in her postpartum room, asked me, in all seriousness, how she got pregnant. Her math, English, Social Studies grades were all A’s but she didn’t have a CLUE about human physiology.

  10. Ooops…wrong. Came from Monkeygirl’s blog. That’s what happens when you are following too many links and supposed to be working as lunch has ended!

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