The Singers for Jesus

Have any of you heard of the Dove Awards? These are the people I got to deal with at work today and tonight. Those who sing for Jesus..

The Jesus Singers are evil people no matter how “Christian” they claim to be.

They came in like a swarm, starting around 2:30 today, once I was the only person left on the floor in my area. They swarmed the dining room. They swarmed wearing nice clothes, and ID badges to get them backstage. They also slammed our skeleton crew kitchen today, ordering hundreds of dollars worth of food and then bitching when it wasn’t out in 5 minutes or less like a fucking Burger King.

I had lots of complaints, and lots of bad tips today. I had a few good ones, not enough to make it worth staying for a full double shift, but what can ya do.

First table: “We’re singing at the Dove awards later. Please pray with us that we do a good job, it would mean so much if you would!” I didn’t have a chance to tell them I was a sodomite Pagan infidel before heads were bowed and they were invoking the names of various Biblical Prophets and Jesus Himself.

Second table: They seemed to be dressed in their Sunday best, however, their Sunday best was truly Redneck Chic. The mother of that demonic horde of groin spawn was extremely large. Think of the “Dark-Sided” Woman from Wife-Swap…


As I walked to the table, I was greeted with the sight of her holding a baby….to her…breast. The memory still makes me want to puke. She wasn’t just holding the baby, her other hand was forced to hold the breast….it’s size, it’s blubbery size…she had to pinch out the nipple for the baby because it was surrounded by the fat. She let her nip go as I walked up, startling her, and like one of those parasites that burrow into the skin of kitties and people alike, it wriggled back into it’s hole. I turned away, said “I’ll be back in a few minutes,” as quickly as I could, and barely made it to the bathroom. Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem seeing boobs, but that was just about the sickest thing I’ve ever seen. They stayed for 3 hours playing games, then tipped me 10%. They too, chose to include me in prayer without my consent.

Table 3: By far the best table I’ve served in a while. Party of 7. Attendees of the Dove awards, but not singers or anything. Just people who were going to watch. They didn’t ask me to pray with them, they didn’t ask to pray for me, they didn’t even pray! They did however treat me like a person and not a slave. They did however talk with me, and they were very nice people. They tipped me a very nice rate of 50 on 200. I hope to see them again this weekend. Hopefully, they weren’t leading me on like some of my guests do.

Table 4: This particular table overheard me talking with my friend about the RagingPartner, and they figured out that I was a homosexuadaggah. They chose to pray for me for having a “perverse heart”, before requesting a different server. I made sure to inform them that not only did I have a “perverse heart”, that I was also a Pagan Infidel as well. They ended up leaving.

I had to endure more singing of praise than I ever had to deal with as a child, or on any Benny Hinn show. I’ve said it before, I don’t like dealing with religion at work, and now you all know the truth. I am a Pagan. I’ve been called a “godless infidel”, and a “western infidel”, and “Satanist, devil worshiping bastard”, and none of those things are true, especially not the devil worshiping part. It’s not that I disbelieve all Christian beliefs, it’s not that I don’t believe in Jesus and in God, I just have other beliefs too. Those don’t involve listening to the songs of worship while I’m at work. I don’t care if it’s the mighty Gospel awards, Gospel gets on my nerves even more than hymns!

With the exception of my 50 dollar, 25% tip that I got today from the one group, I never once got anything more than 10%.

So much for the generosity of hardcore Christians. It’s the Christians that don’t force it on ya that are generous. They’re the ones that understand that God just doesn’t pay the bills, no matter how hard they believe otherwise.

I don’t hate all Christians, I don’t even hate most of them. I just hate having praise forced on me!


10 thoughts on “The Singers for Jesus

  1. You know what’s funny about these types of people? If they would actually take the time to learn (seek!) the history of their own religious system, they would find that the whole Christian foundation feeds into every other of religion out there – including (and especially) the Old Religion. This has been a source of study for me all my life, and it’s amazing to me how silent the churches have managed to hide that absolute fact.

    Sorry it was such a pain in the ass for you. I’m so lucky that I only have a few Christian assholes to deal with, and quite a few Christians who are some really great people. Good tippers too. lol

    Thanks for the visual on the breastfeeding mama. Kinda reminded me of the one I had who just pulled up her hillbilly t-shirt in the middle of the non-smoking section and latched her kid on with no attempt to cover up anything. You never saw so many shocked old people in your life! Oy. I have to go be sick now.

  2. Most people who vehemetly call themselves Christians are anything but! My in-laws through my husband’s brother are just like the ones you described. Annoying, pray at the drop of a hat, and twist the Bible to suit their own needs. I once asked how they justify having tattoos when the bible clearly states that you should not defile the temple of God (your body) and they basically twisted the scripture around until it was nothing like what was said in the Bible, but did allow them to get tattoos. Stupid. Red neck. Idiots!

  3. I wish people would understand that Paganism isn’t about sacrificing babies and all of these scary rituals involving goat’s blood. I get a lot of hell for being a member as well. I had a gorgeous pentagram necklace that I had to stop wearing when I waited tables due to people praying for me – and definitely when I gave up waiting after 4 years and started working at Curves (since it’s owned by Christians and frequented by them). I don’t think I would still have my job were people to know my religious preference. It’s sad that our country was supposedly built on freedom from religious persecution, however those who aren’t Christians still have to fear it.

  4. Christians scare the living shit out of me. And, to quote Forrest Gump, “that’s all I have to say about that.”

  5. People need to know that there’s a time and place for religion and prayer – it’s called church/synagogue/mosque/temple/whatever!

  6. The last table I had that tried to convert me (which I hate because it makes working very awkward, like having someone continually harassing you) left me $20 on $180, then one of the guys decided to come back in about 15 minutes later as I’m closing down my section to leave his last remarks on my soul.

    After his quick one liners, I turned to him and said, “Thank you very much sir, but in the future remember that the 10% tips are for Jesus. I get 20.”

    That shut him up.

  7. Okay, frikkin’ GROSS on the breastfeeding cow. Seriously. I know people get all defensive about it, but I can speak rationally as a breastfeeding mom, it’s gross. I have absolutely no interest in the world at large seeing my tit. I have fed my child once — ONCE!! — in public and that was only because she would NOT. STOP. SCREAMING, and it was family portrait time. And you know what? It really wasn’t that hard to pop a squat in the spacious handicap stall in the bathroom. Seriously. Not hard.

    And I thought breastfeeding helped moms to lose weight?

  8. a close friend of mine that waits tables with me (who is christian through and through), had a particularly rude group of christians last sunday (who just left church).

    after greeting the table and offering margaritas (which is what we’re supposed to do during “margarita madness”, yeah, guess where i work), one guy said “sorry, i do NOT drink” to which other people at the table said “well i can’t say the same for me” and the my coworker said “yeah, me too. hey i need some kind of outlet once in a while.” The douchebag then replies “well, try Jesus…”

    my friend just walked away. i told her she should have told him that she is in fact a christian and just because she’s working on sunday doesn’t mean her faith is any less than his. she didn’t but she was pissed off the rest of the day.

    even though i’m atheist, my friend and i are always amazed every sunday how people can leave church, and then go into a restaurant and be rude as hell and self righteous to their servers. do they think that is an appropriate way to exemplify christianity?

  9. I know this is an old post but oh well. I grew up in the bible belt. I was a death metal, upside down cross wearing, blacj haired freak. Only because I was surrounded by some of the most fucked up people I’ve ever seen. My school gave out free bibles (public school) which were promptly thrown at me. I got chased down the street by a preacher who told me he could see demons in my eyes & called the whore of babylon by another. My school had Teens For Christ and quite literally (seriously not kidding here) me & another guy were the only kidsd in the fucking school not involved in this club. I don’t hate christians I hate christians that don’t realize god preached tolerance & love. The next time some christian calls you a name tell him that Judge not, that ye be not judged or even better let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Shuts ’em up every time.

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